I'm at the Moontower Comedy Festival this week! I personally kicked it off last night with crawfish at the Chuggin' Monkey and an Air Sex show at The Highball. But, tonight is the official kick off happy hour at 5 PM at the Stephen F. Austin Int'l Hotel. Here is my calendar for this festival, always subject to change. If you're here, holler. Let's catch a show!

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"Here's the last thing I picked up - an Ovation 12 string - it's got a bunch of custom features because it was built for one of the guys in Grinderswitch. Yes that's right Grinderswitch. The only thing cooler than that is if it had been one of the guys in Ram Jam.

The guy I bought it from said if I played Aminor to Fmajor just right that one of the Wilson sisters would magically appear. (inside joke - those are the opening chords to "Crazy on you" and Heart were known to use these guitars)

So I played that and Ann Wilson did indeed show up but it was the modern version and not the hot version from the 70's. Turns out we didn't have a lot to talk about. So I played the chords backwards and she vanished."

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Hopefully, this embedding works. Here's where I'll be over SxSW. I'm not done with it, but I've got to go have lunch!

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We had dinner at a place with great service, great wine, great decor and horrible food. They did make an excellent dessert called strawberry soup. It was divine.

After dinner, we went down hundreds of steps, headed toward the river, and abt halfway down found a tiny little bar and stopped in for few beers. Sagras is the local draft beer of choice. It's good, everyone has it on draft and my guess is it's probably Portugal's Budweiser. After about 4 pints, Mike and I were getting pretty silly. The bar advertised themselves as "Home of Poncha A---something". I don't know Portuguese, but it was made with "firewater" (liquor de cana), honey, and orange juice. We were stupid and brave enough to try it, which sent us tumbling toward our descent into madness.

We finished our beers after the poncha and continued downward. Down the stairs, and downward into insanity.

At the bottom, we crossed a huuuuuge shopping plaza, looked at some giant live seafood in tanks, preparing to die and ran into the river. It was nice, but it dark and it was a river and I was more interested in finding beer.

We wandered around for what seemed like an hour, totally lost, needing to pee until we found a comfortable looking Irish pub. Mike and I sat in the back, making up backstories for all the patrons, who were mostly young groups of friends.

Groups were trickling in and out the entire time. After several more pints of Sagras, I noticed a Helmet artist pass and said "Hey, Mike, that guy's wearing a Helmet artist pass." Mike peeked around and his eyes widened. "Holy shit, that's Page Hamilton," he said.

Mike is amazing and has never been one to let opportunities to meet his favorite people go, so he hopped right up and went over to him. The whole band was there! The entire band! Including their tour manager. They were excited to see other Americans and invited us over. We drank a few more pints and got to know one another, talking about music and New Orleans. They are all excellent dudes. Sweet, smart, funny. All the cool things you want the bands you like to be.

I don't remember if the bar was closing or if someone suggested we go somewhere else, but we ended up walking around Lisbon looking for another bar. The tour manager made the smart move and ditched us for sleep. We stopped in the first place we saw and ended up in a discotheque. A discotheque. With Helmet, the punk metal band.

We drank there for another few hours and introduced the band to Jinje, which, looking back on it, was the only mistake we made last night. Jinje is a liqueur here that ppl can sip or shoot. We decided to shoot. I bought the introductory round, and I think each band member bought one after. Oh, we were messy, messy Americans. But, the place was pretty local and it's exactly as you'd expect a European disco to be. Dark, neon, Eurotrashy. It was fantastic. At one point, I and all the members of Helmet were dancing to Billy Jean. We must have been there for hours. I don't even remember leaving, but I do remember Page Hamilton inviting us to tonight's show in Porto and putting us the guest list. The man is not only talented, smart and oh god incredibly super hot, he's also nice and generous.

We couldn't get or shit together to go to Porto, either. Though this time, us missing the Helmet show was entirely Helmet's fault.

In fact, I'm never getting shitface, knee-walking drunk with Helmet ever again.

But, no matter how hungover we were today, we kept reminding each other that they had it worse. They had to get up, load into a van, drive to Porto and set up for a show there. Tonight, they have to be rock stars, and we only have to decide where to go for dinner. It is likely they are cursing us right back.

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Tonight, we're going back to Bar 52 for drinks, a tapas place we visited last night. The owner was amazing and surprised us by serving us off menu. He also introduced us to Jinje, a delicious liqueur.

This trip is about eating, drinking and sleeping.

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We walked all morning. Lots of steep hills, but also lots of parks for resting. I forgot my phone, so no photos other than this one. Right now, I'm laying down for a nap with the window open. There is crazy music coming from below.

We are going to see Helmet tonight. I will definitely add more later.

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I hope it's you:

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Just an observation I made as I was writing the review for last night's Hell Yes Fest kickoff:

Republic gets a bit of pushback from locals for catering to that college/JP/Metairie/Kenner/Fat City set some nights. What people are failing to observe is that those nights that a lot of urban locals turn their noses up at make that venue money so they can do really awesome things like house nights of fledgling festivals like Hell Yes and other events that many locals claim to support. The staff that runs it is kind and thoughtful and are truly supportive of locals hosting local events there. I've certainly never seen this type of enthusiasm for small shows from a venue that could've easily booked a band or a DJ instead that would draw in several hundred people at the door.

They are an extremely reliable, organized, community-supportive venue that has earned my respect. I love Republic and its staff and maybe you should reconsider your feelings about it.

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My friend Taylor over at Barryfest.com sent me this press release for a band called Stomach Pump. This band is having a reunion show this Sunday at the Hi Ho Lounge, but that's not actually what this post is about. This post seemed necessary after reading what I've deemed to be the BEST PRESS RELEASE I'VE EVER READ. The reasons are myriad and probably not very funny if you're not a huge music nerd, too. Good thing I have a lot of friends that are.

Reasons this is the best press release I've ever read are as follows:

1. This weekend, I overheard Taylor mentioning "Australians in Europe", to which I commented to another friend, "I can never tell if Taylor is talking about bands I've never heard of or if he is talking about things that happen in real life." Turns out, he was talking about actual Australian nationals on the continent of Europe. Honest mistake, too, because Taylor knows more about music than pretty much anyone I know. However, we managed to create this fictional band and give them their first hit single, "Winetime". The conversation, as are many conversations I have with Taylor, was a hilarious success.

2. Keeping that in mind, I got an IM from Taylor earlier asking me if I ever heard of Stomach Pump, to which I responded "Is this that thing where it could either be a band I've never heard of or a thing that happens in real life." Turns out, it's an actual band. (It's the aforementioned band with the reunion show at the Hi Ho this Sunday.) That led to him sending me this press release, which is pretty fantastic.

3. Things that are actually great about this press release:

• Jack Blood has a hotmail.
• His name is Jack Blood.
• THE NAMES OF THE GUYS IN THE BAND.
• The mention that their video for "Einstein's Brain" was "voted Top 10 best videos of all time on the cable show “Bomb Shelter Videos.'"
• The inclusion of famous quotes about the band, particularly:
  • "The Only band worse than Flipper " - Jim Norris (RIP) Crisis Party Bassist
  • 'I Fucking hated that band" - Chris Cornell - Soundgarden
• Log clench.
• The "alleged" last show (which blows my mind because shouldn't they know what their last show was?) was with THE BEVIS FROND. The fucking BEVIS FROND, MAN. Sidenote: When I read that I got all nostalgia-y and started listening to Mary Lou Lord's Got No Shadow because making connections to heartbreaking memories is what I do. It's like that Kevin Bacon game, but my gift is connecting obscure Seattle grunge bands from the 90s to my biggest regrets in life and then crying quietly into my bowl of dinner cereal.
• Finally, the closing warning that you, me and the NSA are in violation of the 1st and 4th Amendments simply by reading said press release. Also, discovering that I enjoy my press releases with a dash of unprotected rights to free speech and illegal search and seizure.

Hope to actually see you at this show. It's a fundraiser, too. Also, hope to see all of you keeping up with Barryfest.com and @BarryfestNOLA. Matt & Taylor know what the fuck is up with local and touring bands 100% of the time.

So, for all this, I present to you the Stomach Pump Press Release, Greatest Press Release Of All Time Of The Day.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

October 25^th 2011

Contact: jackblood@hotmail.com

RE: Available for ALL Press interviews (Seattle Grunge scene 20 years after / The return)

THE RETURN OF “STOMACH PUMP”

The most infamous and sick Seattle noise grunge band you never heard of is BACK.

We were 20 years ahead of our time so we thought it would be good to reform (RETURN) and unleash our sounds to the world” said JCX9, singer of the immortal band. “You couldn't kill us, we couldn't kill us” added Max God, bassist. “We were a gag band... We literally made people throw up in their mouths”, added Duff Drew, Drummer.

Formed in the late 1980's in Seattle from the ashes of historic bands such as 'The Thrown Ups” and “My Eye” Stomach Pump first recorded with legendary Sub Pop Producer Jack Endino.

This recording resulted in the band's first hit “Einstein's Brain”, of which the 16mm B/W video was voted Top 10 best videos of all time on the cable show “Bomb Shelter Videos”. About 50 more songs were recorded with Mr Endino in 3 total sessions. Legend has it that Stomach Pump has over 1000 recorded songs. A highly collectible single was put out by “Penultimate Records” titled: Log Clench.

Band Bio and a sample of songs can be found at www.myspace.com/TheeStomachPump

Stomach Pump IS:

JCX9 – Front, Vocals
Seighton Beezer – Guitars, Hammers
Max God – Bass, Keys, Holes
Duff Drew – Drums, Cymbals, Cow Bell

Guitarist “Seighton” can be seen in several documentaries about the Seattle Grunge Scene, Including the film “HYPE!” and various new 20 year anniversary specials on the 20 years since Nirvana's “Nevermind”.

Famous Quotes about Stomach Pump:

" The Only band worse than Flipper " - Jim Norris (RIP) Crisis Party Bassist
"The Punk version of Spinal Tap" - Kurt Cobain (RIP) Nirvana
"JCX9 Taught us everything we know" - Lux Interior (RIP) The Cramps
"Every song they recorded was a one take Hit!" - Jack Endino - Producer
"Stomach Pump INVENTED the genre' of Slop Pop" - Unknown
'I Fucking hated that band" - Chris Cornell - Soundgarden

The alleged last show featuring Stomach Pump was Opening for “The Bevis Frond” and “Green Pajamas” in Seattle UNTIL NOW!

The original line up has reformed to play a reunion show in New Orleans at the The Hi Ho Lounge on November 13, 2011. The event will also serve as a benefit for several friends that lost their home in a fire recently. This is planned as a ONE SHOW ONLY for the band, who are flying in from NYC, LA. Seattle, and Austin TX.

Members of the band are available for interviews, and quid pro quo for publicity to promote the NOLA Show. Can discuss the Seattle rock scene, para politics, and the state of art today.

WARNING: Due to Presidential Executive Orders, the National Security Agency (NSA) may have read this email without warning, warrant, or notice. They may do this without any judicial or legislative oversight. You have no recourse, nor protection.......... IF anyone other than the addressee of this e-mail is reading it, you are in violation of the 1st & 4th Amendments to the Constitution of the United States.

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I wanted to do something cool and creative for my friend Kevin Church, who created the Girls Rock NOLA logo for me. But, I am neither. I tried to draw a bear with a guitar, an inspirational rainbow, and then something that came out looking like Zombie Jimmy Carter. I remembered being able to draw a pig because I had once learned it step-by-step from a cartoon art book. So, that's what I drew.

I used the Go SMS Pro app doodle feature. I drew the first pig and the app shut down. I drew the second pig and I accidentally exited the program. The third time around, I took screenshots to prove that I had actually been creating a pig in case there was any question about my dedication to this project. The third time was a charm(ing motherfucking pig). I had to start over between the 3rd and 4th slides, but it all finally worked out. Plus, I added the bowtie, which I believe sets this pig apart from all other pigs.

The last pic is the one I finally texted to Kevin. He was nice about it. He works with world-class artists every day. So, my pig is pretty weak in comparison. This pig is the runtiest of all litters. But, I love it!

Here are the screenshots of my progress. And, yes, I did all of this literally by hand on my Android phone!

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"Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.

You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart."

- Steve Jobs, Stanford commencement address

June 12, 2005

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It was an interesting night on basic cable. I watched the Comedy Central roast of Charlie Sheen.

I was gonna write a post on throwing my support to Charlie Sheen's big comeback, considering I was a vocal supporter during his winning tiger blood days. But, it quickly got bogged down with a lot of ambivalent statements about who I think he really is or could be, his drug and domestic abuse, that he's probably bipolar, blah blah blah. Y'all don't wanna read that. You wanna read the funniest jokes from the roast. Well, here are the ones I liked:

Seth McFarlane (Roastmaster)

"We all know there's a good chance Charlie will be dead soon..."

"You've seen him in movies, you've seen him in tv, you've seen him point a gun in your face if you're a prostitute that tried to get him hard."

"Let's take a look back at the work that paid for all that cocaine."

"Charlie Sheen's the reason a dick with cocaine on it is called a Sheenis."

"Anthony Jeselnick's act combines the excitement of standing there and the thrill of saying words. "

"What can I say about Amy Schumer? And I mean that sincerely, I've never heard of this woman."

Kate Walsh (who was surprisingly very funny, with excellent delivery and timing)

"Seth McFarlane, the only difference between you and the hooker in Charlie's closet is that eventually the hooker came out."

"Despite all those years of abusing your lungs, kidneys, your liver, the only thing you've had removed is your kids."

Jeff Ross

"Charlie's meltdown was so bad, Al Gore's making a documentary about it."

"How do you go from being tv's highest paid actor ever, to being tv's highest actor ever."

"Charlie Sheen is to stand up what Larry Flynt is to standing up."

"The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns."

"Charlie's nostrils are so snotty and full of coke he calls them 'The Hilton Sisters'."

Mike Tyson

"As The Bard once said, All the world's a stage and Charlie's been boo'd off them all."

"During your performance, I wish I'd bit my own ears off."  (to Jeffrey Ross)

"Trust me, Charlie, once the money goes, so does the hoes."

Anthony Jeselnik

"Every moment of your life looks like the first 2 minutes of Law & Order: SVU."

"You've convinced more women to have abortions than the prenatal test for Down's syndrome."

Amy Schumer (my personal favorite of the night with an understanding of wtf a roast should be)

"William, I've seen less bloated men dragged out of rivers. What's going on?" (to William Shatner)

"Your marriage to Denise Richards, it was kind of like her Viet Nam because she was constantly afraid of being killed by Charlie."

"Charlie, you're like Bruce Willis. You were big in the 80's and your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher."

William Shatner

"Prostitutes cost a lot of money, Charlie. Hasn't anyone told you that actresses will sleep with you for free? That's Hollywood 101. YOU SHOULD'VE CALLED!"

"I synthesized uric acid and calcium inside my bladder and turned it into a house for Habitat for Humanity! Who's the warlock now, bitch!" (on raising money by auctioning off his kidney stones

Patrice O'Neal (my very surprising disappointment tonight)

"No straight man writes that many show tunes. And that's a fact."

"I respect Charlie Sheen. not his body of work, but..."

"He proved that nobody can keep a Sheen down. They can keep an Estevez down. Look at his brother. That motherfucker did everything right and his career is OVER. HOLY SHIT."

Charlie Sheen

"Until tonight, I never realized how fucked up I was. All this time, I thought I was just 'having fun'."

"You have what I call a Libyan face. By that I mean it's revolting." (to Jeff Ross)

"It was your work on Star Trek that inspired me to act like an asshole until the rest of the cast stopped speaking to me." (to Shatner)

"When I did Ferris Beuller my first line was 'Drugs?' I thought they were asking me how I wanted to be paid."

"I did the one thing that everyone in America wishes they could do: I told my boss to fuck off."

"I'm done with 'the winning' because I've already won."

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Infamous for being haunted, due to a horrendous murder in Room 636. We visited both rooms, and were inky creeped out by one, when we heard a weird noise. One picture is of us literally running. Can't wait to check this place out after dark.

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I've said for years that Louis CK is probably the smartest living comedian on the planet and when Louis premiered, I realized he's also one of the great artists of our time. Louie is hard to watch. But worth it.

I don't now how I'll wait a year until Season 3.

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Just found the absolute reason that I hate sites like Yelp. I was googling dive bars in San Antonio and got this "review":

"This is, without a doubt, the worst bar I have ever been to. It's worth visiting this place if you're feeling sorry for yourself, because all you have to do is tell yourself, "Hey, at least I'm not the washed up Marine who loves to talk too loudly about how great Pink Floyd is" or "At least I'm not the bartender who wears faded golf shirts and says 'fuck' a whole lot" or "Hey, at least I'm not the 60-year old female owner who tucked her dress into her panties when she left the restroom because she was too drunk to realize it." Seriously. I only ended up here because I was in San Antonio waiting for my friend to arrive and finally found parking and didn't want to venture too far. My God. This place is fucked. I can't even believe they stay in business. Oh, they only take cash and their ATM machine will tack on a $3.50 fee. Whatever."

This is pretty much the definitive Yelp review by the typical Yelp contributor.

Great job, Internet!

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